she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize