I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
