Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the day after is always just damage control
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
