There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
