My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
