My Higher Power is John Stamos
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
