i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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