If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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