What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
