she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
