my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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