last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
