I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
