it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
