remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
