My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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