I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
