She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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