Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
