Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
