someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they need to just BURY HIM!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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