We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
