i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
