You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
