How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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