My sheets look like a crime scene.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
