he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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