I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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