If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
