I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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