so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My ATM looks so different sober.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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