Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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