Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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