I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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