I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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