Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
