At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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