There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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