i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
