all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
