My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize