OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
