yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
