dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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