did you get engaged???
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
