I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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