i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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