he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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