I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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