she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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