I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
