Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
