Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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