I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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