i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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