i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
