Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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