I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize