well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
